Clinging to control

Matthew 10:39 says if we cling to our lives, we’ll lose them, but if we give them up to Jesus, we’ll find them.

Giving up control is something I’ve been actively working on, and it’s been actively kicking my butt. I’ve held a lot of anxiety around trying to control Corrie’s environment, my job, my marriage: Basically every single part of my life. I’ve been convicted lately that I need to let go.

When it comes to Corrie, we’ve needed to rely on Jesus since before she was even born. Her life and the journey to find her have taught me how fragile this world really is, and yet I still find myself clinging to her and forgetting just how absolutely faithful Jesus has already been in her one year. How fallen we truly are.

When I pray, I find myself giving God stipulations. “If You could just do it this way..” or “This is what I’m thinking the future should look like…” While I don’t think it’s wrong to come before the throne with specific requests, I don’t know that telling God how I want my life to look and expecting Him to be my genie in a bottle is the right approach.

So what does it look like to give up control?

Well since I’m terrible at this I don’t actually have an answer, but I can share with you what hasn’t worked and what I’ve been trying instead.

Don’t pretend to give up control. I’m really good at telling God all the things I think I should say, like that His will be done. But then I open my eyes and look for all the ways I can make my life go how I think it should go. This takes away God’s chance to work out the plans He has for me and for those around me. Jeremiah 29:11 says God already knows the plans He has for us. And they’re GOOD. The devil works hard to make us think what we can plan for ourselves is better than what the Maker of universe planned for us before we were born. What a joke! But oh how I fall for this over and over.

Don’t think your own power will make a difference. Corrie is an amazing testimony of God’s goodness and grace, and an ever-present reminder of the fact that living in my own power is just not sufficient and will never work. There’s no way I could have foreseen what this last year would bring, or planned out how perfectly every single piece of it fit together to bring us to where we are today.

I’m still learning, and will be til I go Home, but one thing I’ve been trying to implement is writing scripture on my heart. We’re called to arm ourselves with God’s Word so we can better be prepared to fend off the devil and his scheming ways, and I’m ashamed to say I haven’t taken that seriously in the past. As I try to lean more into God’s will and not my own, I’ve been learning scripture. When I doubt or question, I can easily recall it and remind myself of God’s truth and not the truth the world is pushing.

I’ve also been trying to eliminate some of the noise. For me, this has meant less TV and less time on my phone. The more time I give myself to breath and think, the more I can refocus on His truth.

I’m still such a work in progress and I have such a long way to go. As we head into this week, Corrie has an appointment to check on a hole in her heart she was born with. We’re also looking towards an appointment to see how to fix one of her eyes. And as we look forward to expanding our family, that also comes with so many questions and unknowns.

It’s like God knows I haven’t learned this lesson yet: That control is an illusion. What marvelous grace He’s showing me in reminding me I need to rely on Him daily and rest in His truths. If I don’t, I find myself running in circles trying to control things that I just absolutely cannot.

Giving up my notion of control to God is simultaneously freeing and exhausting. It’s the best yet the hardest thing. It comes with such joy knowing His plans are better, but also anxiety because this world is just so broken. I find walking towards Home is simply putting one foot in front of the other, making sure I’m holding His hand so I don’t stumble (or at least, so He’s there to pick me up when I do).